Out of Hospital

Well I am now out of hospital.

I was taken in on Friday last week and after a few days oin the local (Wexford) hospital was sent up to Tallagh in Dublin.

One angiogram, a cardiac aterial disease and a dodghy heart pump later and I am home.

It is a very funny thing, I have had these conditions for some time now and just haven’t known about them. Knowing about them has knocked me for six and has given sooooooooo much amunition to the thoughts and voices.

BUT I have my faith (even if i no longer have so much confidence) and with that and with Christ I can deal with the emotional and mental roller coaster I now seem to be on.

Praise be to God for this at least. I know where I am going when I do leave this earth, I don’t know what vehicle my leaving will take or what time my departure is set for and to be honest I don’t know the journey I will take until I reach the departure lounge BUT I DO KNOW where I am going.

Fighting the thoughts

Today I have been trying very hard to fight the negative and suicidal thoughts.

It is sometimes so very difficult to combat these things when they seem so prevolent within your own mind and when, since they are coming from within, all of the counter arguments that you can offer in response to the negativity and suicidalness (not sure that is even a word) are instantly countered with additional and more convincing counters to your counters.

In truth I know that my life is not my own.  I have as a Christian given my life to Christ and thus it is his to do with.  But the living of it still remains for me to do and in truth this becomes so very difficult at times.  Today is just one of those times.

I am trying my best to keep active despite my physical health and to fight these urges.  I pray when I am able to focus on prayer and I use diversionary tactics where possible but are these enough?

I love my God and I do not and will not blame Him for what is going on inside of me or for not having removed this from me.  In truth I am not God and thus I hyave no right to make this decision for Him or to demand such n action from Him.  All I can do is be who I am and try to become who HE wants me to be.

The Dialogue of Me, myselfs and I.

It is nearly 1 am and I have just finished speaking with my family on the telephone, not my biological family but the family God brought me into in order to help me heal and to learn.

We happened to discuss Albert Einstein and I was sharing how, in many ways,  I could relate to how isolated he was as a child and I admitted that so often when going into my dark places I yearn to be able to explain the countless web of thoughts that are spun and that entangle my mind. But how very difficult it was to place into words the myriad of different hurts, doubts, self-criticisms, and self accusations that go on in there.

But I want to reach out, I want to shout out, “Moms, Dads, family, I love you and I trust you and I need you.  I want you to be able to walk freely inside my pain without your being hurt by it and yet able to help heal it and to experience or at very least understand the maniacal labyrinth that imprisons me suppressing my emotions, my anguish my very sense of hope.

All I could come up with is this, to try somehow to place on paper (or at least a computer screen) a snapshot if you will of the dialogue that goes on in my mind between me, my selfs, and I (with of course the ever present additional comments from the peanut gallery of hate thrown in).  I also wanted to try and share with those who do not understand mental helath, schizophrenia or self-harming, just some of the things that go on in the mind of someone who does or at least this mind at least.

And so I am writing this dialogue.  Just one of the many different dialogues that go on inside my mind.  Just one of the many conversations that happen within me.

I warn you now that for some this may be disturbing, even painful.  I apologize for this but how can I truly share the pain, the torment, the desperation without being open and honest about it? So if you are easily disturbed please do not read on.

If you do decide to read on then I  guess the best way for you the reader to try to make some sense of this is to view it or read it as f it were a script like the script of a play…

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Location/Scene…

Some wherein my mind, it is slightly dark and somehow sinister and becoming more and more dark and sinister as each minute goes by. Somehow all around fades, all activity, all life all sound fades and the only thing left is the darkness, me, my selfs and I and of course off in the distance the peanut gallery.

Cast list..

me – is the real me, the central me, the core me.

selfs – all the other parts of me, the voices and thoughts that seem so strong so dominant so loud.

peanut gallery – the parts of me that I know are there but can’t seem to identify and yet that I hear in the background and yet still am so very much aware of their presence.

I – the collective of all the parts.

Dialogue…

(The words appearing in bold and italics are ones often emphasized with sarcasm r accusation within this internal dialogue.)

selfs: “You were an awkward child, you know that don’t?”

peanut gallery: “A very awkward, a difficult child.”

me: “Yeah I know”

selfs: “Yes a very awkward, difficult child.”

me: “Yes but still a child.

selfs: “Your parents never stood a chance  of loving you.”

peanut gallery: “No! You never let yourself be a child.”

me: “But I wanted them to love me and anyway they did love me, it was me who messed it up.”

selfs: “Yes, you did mess it up and so they couldn’t love you.”

peanut gallery: “Because you wouldn’t let yourself be a child, not their child, not anyone’s child.”

me: “Was it my job to let myself be a child? Or their job to help me be a child?  Does a child know it is meant to let itself be a child?”

selfs: “Does any normal, undamaged child even think about whether to be a child or not? You shouldn’t have even been thinking of whether you should let yourself be a child and should have just been one.”

me: “Wait! did I say I didn’t let myself be a child?  And anyway I don’t think I thought on those terms back then.”

selfs: “We’ve already agreed you never let yourself be a child, and anyway you were the one who brought up having to think about being a child.”

me: “We agreed that? I thought we were talking about being loved?”

selfs: “But children are loved.”

peanut gallery: “Not this child. He was never loved.  He never let himself be loved.  He never let himself be a child.”

me: “But I just said I was loved.”

selfs: “No! you said they loved you.  You never said you were loved.”

peanut gallery: “Because he never let himself be a child.  Never let himself be their child.”

me: “Wait, I admitted it was me who messed up, I had mental health problems,  and I did say I was loved by them.”

selfs: “No, you said they loved you. But you never said you were loved by them.”

me: “I did! Didn’t I? I mean if they loved me I must have been loved.”

peanut gallery: “Not you!  No not you.  You never let yourself be loved.  You never let yourself be a child.  You were damaged goods.”

selfs: “If a man goes to hit you, but you duck out of the way, are you hit?”

me: “What?  No of course not, be cause you ducked. So of course you aren’t hit.”

selfs: “Aha! So in the same way if someone goes to love you, but you wont accept it (or you duck out of the way of it) then you aren’t loved.”

peanut gallery: “He was never loved.  He never let himself be loved.  He never let himself be a child.  And anyway he was hit.  He was hit a lot.”

me: “Wait! that’s different!  Hitting is physical, loving isn’t physical it’s emotional, it’s spiritual.”

selfs: “Sometimes loving is physical.”

peanut gallery: “Hitting is physical. You were hit a lot. You let yourself be hit didn’t you.”

me: “I had no choice!  I was a child!”

selfs: “Ok, so if someone hates you but you don’t accept that they hate you are you still hated?”

peanut gallery: “No. You weren’t a child.  We’ve already established that you weren’t a child. You never let yourself be a child.  Remember? Hell, You still won’t let yourself be a child.”

me: “Shut up! I want to talk to my selfs! If someone hates me, but I don’t accept that I am hated am I still hated? No because I haven’t accepted that hate.”

selfs: “But it is still there in them.”

me: “Yes, but not in  me.   So I don’t have their hate and so I am not hated.”

selfs: “Our point exactly.  So you wouldn’t let yourself be loved. So you weren’t loved.”

me: “No that is not what I said.  “I said, I was loved.”

selfs: “Make your mind up!   You can’t have it both ways.  Were you hated or not? Were you loved or not? You said if someone hated you but you never accepted that hate then you weren’t hated.  So by the same theory, if you were loved but never accepted that love then you weren’t loved.  You can’t have it both ways.  Which way was it?”

peanut gallery: “He still wont accept love.  He doesn’t know how to accept love.”

me: “Wait! I can’t argue with you all.  I mean I can argue with you all, I just can’t communicate my argument with you all at the same time.”

peanut gallery: “Why not?  We can communicate our arguments with you at the same time.”

selfs: “So which one is it? You haven’t made your mind up.   Come on make your mind up!  Were you loved or hated?”

peanut gallery:  “He was hit.  We agreed he was hit.”

me: “But there are lots of you and only one of me.  How can I communicate with all of you when there is only one of me? And I was loved. I know I was loved. I just couldn’t experience it somehow!”

peanut gallery: “But you experienced being hit.  You could experience that!  And anyway, we are all inside you and so we are you and so if we are you then surely you can communicate with you at the same time, because you are you and we are you.  So, we are all one and one person can easily communicate with one person.”

selfs: “So you were hated but didn’t accept it and so weren’t really hated. But you were loved and didn’t accept it but were really loved.  That doesn’t make sense now does it?  “You’re not making sense again.  No wonder no one can love you.”

me: “They can love me!  I said they can love me! Didn’t I just say they can love me?  I can’t remember.  I am confused. You are confusing me! And anyway we are not all one because we are all many.”

selfs: “But only you see and know the many.”  Everyone else just sees the one.  The you. Are we not all part of you?”

peanut gallery:  “The you who can’t be loved.”

me: “Yes of course you are part of me.  Who else would you be? And I can be loved. I admitted that I can be loved”

peanut gallery:  “Can be loved or are loved?  Make your mind up, you keep changing it.”

selfs:  “He isn’t loved.  We already agreed he isn’t loved”

me:  “I am loved and I can be loved, it is you who are un-loveable.  You are damaged and hurt and you spread that hurt. You are poisonous.”

selfs: “But we are part of you and if we are part of you and we can’t be loved then there is a part of you that cannot be loved and so if there is a part of you that cannot be loved then actually you can’t be loved. Now can you?”

peanut gallery: “He can’t be loved. We know he can’t be loved.  We already agreed he can’t be loved.”

me: “My family loves me.”

selfs: “No. your family loves the you that you show them. They don’t know the rest of you now do they?”

me: “How can they know the rest of me?  You are the rest of me and you are  inside of me and you keep hiding and changing and you keep hurting and running.  How can I possibly let them know the rest of me when I don’t really know the rest of me?  I don’t even know where you came from I just know you are there.”

selfs:  “Then they can’t love the rest of you and if they can’t love the rest of you how can you say that they really love you?  They don’t even know you.  No-one really knows you.  Hell, you even said it yourself – you don’t really know you! You can’t really love someone you don’t know.”

peanut gallery:  “See! Didn’t we say all along that he couldn’t be loved and isn’t loved?  See, he is awkward and difficult.  He is damaged!“

selfs: “No, you have it all wrong.  He isn’t awkward or difficult or damaged.  We are all awkward and difficult and damaged.”

me:  “You are!  You are awkward and difficult and damaged!  And even worse than that you are harmful and dangerous and toxic!  You hurt me and tear me down!  You are evil!”

selfs:  “And yet we have already agreed that WE are part of YOU.”

peanut gallery: “So since we are all part of you, then the truth is that YOU are harmful and dangerous and toxic!”

selfs: “The fact that we are part of you is undeniable.  So since we are ALL agreed on this and therefore all agreed that you are therefore harmful and dangerous and toxic then YOU are not safe to love.”

peanut gallery:  “So, if you are not safe to love, if you really love others you will not let them try to love you – because you are harmful and dangerous and toxic.”

selfs: “YOU will only hurt them!”

me:  “Wait!  I can’t think!  I am so tired!  You are starting to make sense and I know you are wrong but I am finding it so hard to find the lies hidden in the corrupted truths you keep twisting and throwing at me!”

peanut gallery: “You are the one doing the thinking! We are ALL part of you remember.  You just don’t like the truths that you are thinking!  You are tired because you are arguing against the truths that you know we are showing you. “

selfs: “And we are You! So you are telling yourself the truth but not wanting to accept it because the truth hurts.”

peanut gallery:  “No wonder you are tried!”

selfs: “You are seeing how dangerous and harmful and toxic you really are!  You know we are right you just don’t want to accept it!”

peanut gallery:  “You just don’t know what is real, can’t accept what is real. You don’t know how to handle it.”

selfs: “You have all this inside you and don’t know where to go with it.  You have to get it out! But you are dangerous and harmful and toxic.  Not safe to be around. You hurt people, won’t let them love you, you can’t let them love you.”

peanut gallery: “No, you CAN’T let them love you. You have to protect them!”

selfs: “Yes you must find a way of dealing with this pain, this harm this poison in you without hurting others.”

peanut gallery: “Yes you have to get it out but must not let anyone else suffer it.”

selfs: “You need to stay hidden, to keep the real you hidden, to stop the poison, the harm, the danger from spreading to others especially the ones you love.  Only you deserve that pain, that harm, that danger. “

peanut gallery:  “Yes only YOU deserve it.

selfs: “But you must find a release for it before it destroys you!”

peanut gallery:  “You know how to release it don’t you.”

selfs: “You need to see it being released don’t you!  You know you do.”

peanut gallery: “Need to see it coming out of your body!”

selfs: “Yes, to actually, to physically, see it leaving you.”

peanut gallery:  “leaving your fat, useless, ugly, decaying, rotting body.”

selfs: “It’s only a body and it’s already damaged and rotting, another scar, another line, more pain, won’t hurt it. Won’t hurt you.”

peanut gallery:  “Yes you know how to deal with physical pain.  You’ve experienced physical pain, you can handle physical pain!”

selfs: “Yes, You need to experience that pain.  Something real, something tangible, something physical.”

peanut gallery: “And anyway you need to be punished for all your toxic-ness, for all your harmfulness, for being so dangerous.

selfs: “For never letting yourself be a child.”

peanut gallery “For never letting yourself be loved.”

selfs: “For still not being loved.”

peanut gallery:  “Maybe if you punish yourself now, maybe if you release that toxic, dangerous, harmfulness now, whilst you are alone you will be safe to be loved.”

selfs: “But only a little bit loved.  Remember YOU Are still dangerous, toxic, poisonous, harmful.”

peanut gallery: “Yes, dangerous toxic, poisonous, harmful – damaged!”

selfs: “But you will at least be a little less toxic, less dangerous, less poisonous, less harmful.”

peanut gallery: “You know what you must do.  You have to release it so you can see it.”

selfs: “Yes release it.  Feel it.  You need release.”

peanut gallery: “You deserve punsihed”

me: “I can’t think!  I am so tired so desperately tired!”

selfs: “It’s the poison.”

me: “I need help!”

selfs: “You can’t be helped, you are toxic, poisonous, harmfull, dangerous, you can’t take the risk of hurting others.”

peanut gallery: “You must let the poison out. Only you can do it and only one way is safe.”

selfs: “Do it now before you are too tired and it consumes you.”

me: “I need help.”

selfs: “You need release.”

me: “I need to pray.”

selfs: “You are too tired to pray.”

peanut gallery: “You need punished.”

me: “God loves me”

selfs: “You can’t experience love”

peanut gallery: “You can experience pain.”

selfs: “You can experience release.”

me: “I need that release.”

selfs: “Release is certain, Release is sure.”

me: “I need to sleep.”

selfs: “You need to act!”

peanut gallery: “you need to be punished.”

me: “I need to be held.”

selfs: “You need to hide”

peanut gallery: “You need to bleed!”

selfs: “You need release.”

peanut gallery: “You need to hurt.”

(And so the darkness consumes all and then the release and possibly some form of sleep. An unsettled, restless sleep where nightmares dance with guilt and failure and pain).

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So there you have it.  My attempt as sharing at giving an insight into my internal dialogue.

It is so hard to describe what goes on and indeed this is just one example.

The truth – God does love me because NOTHING is bigger or stronger than God’s love.

The Truth – My family do love me because my mental health does not limit their ability to love me only my ability to experience it.

Again please understand that this is but one of the many internal conversations that go on inside my head on a regular basis.  Please also understand that I seek not to suggest that this is what all schizophrenics or folk with voices or mental health suffer, just what I do.

My Twin and Me.

The other night I read some comments from some folk that I know and care about and they got me to thinking and of course from thinking came the writing…

The first thing I thought about was the way that I interact with people. I took a look at my expectations, my likes, my dislikes, my hopes and my hurts, and at my own responsibilities in this. At my relationships, I guess.

It was as a result of this that one relationship came to mind more than any other, my relationship with my twin. And by way of encouragement I thought I would share this with you.

I guess before going any further, I should say that I really do try my best to be loving and kind to everyone but when it comes to my twin, well it is just so incredibly hard!!!

When we were kids we were inseparable! Absolutely inseparable. We did everything together. We played the same games, liked the same food, dressed the same, thought like each other, spoke like each other, would get into all kinds of adventures together and all kinds of trouble together.

Even as we grew up we remained inseparable. We worked at the same places, had the same friends, liked the same kind of girls, we even came to Christ at the same time! Yep, when I responded to the God’s call my twin responded at the very same time and was right there with me.

But see then our relationship started to change. You see the more I grew in my knowledge and understanding of God the more I noticed the things in my twin’s behaviour that were just not right in God’s eyes. And the more I noticed these things the more they irritated or frustrated me.

I guess I just hadn’t noticed it before but looking back (and please believe me I am not trying to say I had no responsibilities in this) I could see how many times I had behaved badly or messed up as a direct result of my twin’s encouragement.

Trust me this became a source of countless prayers and I would time and time again go to God with complaints and concerns about my twin’s behavior and the way his behavior affected me and my relationships and how I wanted so badly for him to change!

In so many aspects of life I understood why he did the things he did and yet disliked and was so disappointed when he did them and indeed when he caused me to do the same things.

To everyone else he was seen just the same way as I was, and to the best of my knowledge he was treated the same way. Indeed I can honestly say that I am convinced that even his relationship with his wife was the same as my relationship with my wife and yet somehow I could see so many of the things that he did that upset or hurt his wife and I longed for him to stop doing them. Even
though in all truth very often these were much bigger or much more important to me than they ever seemed to be for his wife.

In the end I came to the conclusion that something had to change. One of us had to move on. He could no longer be a part of my life. The plain simple truth of the matter is, or so I thought, he is not living the life God wants and is stopping me from living the life God wants. If I want to live the life God wants I have to separate myself from him.

I went to God in prayer. (One of many times I had done so I might add) “Lord, he isn’t changing fast enough!” I complained. “He does this and that and he causes me to do this and that and it is like I have no choice in the matter because he has always been a part of my life.” My prayer was sincere and heartfelt.

“Lord, I can’t stand the way he doesn’t do this or he does do that and I can’t stand the fact that he isn’t doing what I think he should do for his spouse or for his children. How he knows what is right and still insists on doing what is wrong!”

I know in my heart that the Lord sat quietly, lovingly and patiently and that he listened to my heartfelt plea.

“Lord, he just has to go!” There I had finally said it! “I find it too hard to change him and too hard to love him and too painful to wait for him to change himself.” I waited for the telling off that I just new the Lord was going to give me over my attitude towards my twin.

“He isn’t changing fast enough for who?” The Lord’s response was gentle and loving. “Fast enough for you or for me?”

“And yes, I know what he does, every single thing he does, and I know the influence he has on your actions. But I also know that that influence only has power if you look to him and not me.” He was right and I knew it. “But my child you do have a choice and yes he has always been part of your life and so have I, you just didn’t realize it.”

I sat and listened.

“I even know all the things that he should do but doesn’t do when it comes to his spouse and his children.” The Lord told me. “I know when he does these things and I know why he does these things and more importantly I understand why he does or doesn’t do these things and I love him just the same regardless of them. Because I understand.”

I tried to take in all that He was telling me.

“My child, You can’t change him.” The Lord told me gently. “Changing him is my job, not yours. All you can do is encourage and accommodate those changes in him.” I listened carefully still waiting for the chastisement I knew was coming and yet somehow also knew I was already receiving.

“And loving him is so very hard for you because you recognize that so much of him is not what I want for him, and because you see the mistakes he makes and how he limits his own ability to experience my love and the changes that I desire to make in him and indeed am making in him.”

“And as for your pain,” He whispered, “Don’t you see that this is a sign of your love for him and for me? But it comes from the fact that you are seeing him through your eyes and not mine and trying to love him through your and love not my love.”

He was right and I knew it.

“My child you are his harshest critic, his hardest judge and far, far harsher than I am.” The Lord continued. “He hasn’t got to go.” He added. “He is a part of your life and always has been and yes always will be. As for those parts of him that frustrate you and irritate you so much, those parts that you meet so critically and so harshly they are the very parts I want you to meet more lovingly.” He smiled.

“Just as I have called him to love me and to please me, and for all of his loving, yes even the loving of and pleasing of his spouse and children, to flow out of and to come from his loving and pleasing me. So too do I want you to love me and please me, and for your love for him to come out of your love for me.”

As He spoke I knew that He was right and that I had indeed been lovingly, gently and patiently chastised. I also knew that I had just been given what would probably be one of the hardest tasks I would ever have to face in my Christian walk. The task of loving the twin who in my eyes was so different to how I saw God, who was so far away from what I thought God wanted, who had and still does
play such a big part in my life, my relationships and yes even my own faith.

So I ask you to pray for me, in this task. Pray that I can love my twin and that I can love him with God’s love. Pray that I can see my twin not through my own eyes but through God’s eyes. Pray that I can encourage and accommodate any changes in my twin that God wants to make and that I don’t judge my twin by my own standards, my own expectations, or my own timing, but by Gods.

I hope and pray this helps and encourages you. Oh and in case you want to pray for my twin and would like to pray for him by name, Well his name is self.

Putting Your House In Order

Over the few weeks I have been reflecting on my life.  Well actually I have been doing this for many years now.  I think it is a spin off or facet of the mental health difficulties that I face.

What I should more accurately say is that over the past few weeks I have been reflecting on my life in light of God’s word and more specifically Psalm 37: 4-7. NIV which reads…

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Over the years I have tried to take hold of God’s word and apply it to my life and over the years I have had verying levels of success.  But what has become evident to me lately is how every now and then something that you have heard several times before and simply not reacted to or have taken for granted almost, suddenly becomes relevant and somehow very important!

Certainly this is true of the words of Psalm 37@4-7.

I have really been impacted by these words and thought I would record that fact and share this with you.

Verse four reads “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” and I am painfully aware that some have used these words/this verse to support their prosperity teaching beliefs.  But you know I can’t do that!  You see whilst I acknowledge and indeed accept that the words “and he will give you the desires of your heart” could be used in that way, the fact is that they are preceded by the words “Delight yourself in the Lord” And here is the deal, and there really is now getting away from this, if I truly delight myself in the Lord then my heart and the desires of my heart will be to show HIS love and HIS grace and HIS mercy to others and indeed the desires of my heart will be less about me and my prosperity and more about others and their eternal salvation!

So how do I “Delight myself in the Lord”?

Well for me the answer lays in part (and a large part for that matter) in the next verse – verse 5.

^“5 Commit your way to the LORD;  trust in him and he will do this:”

And here is the part that really has been impacting me.  See in my life there really is no major problem with things like drugs or drink or bad language or gambling or pornography or anything like that.  They simply don’t interest me or lure me any more.  Yes when I was younger they (or at least some of them) had a huge hold on my life but they don’t any more.  So what ways do I need to commit to the Lord?  What needs addressing and putting right in my life?

Well I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about this and have indeed come up with a list…

Pirate DVD’s.  Hacked Computer Programs. My diet. Smoking (and yes that is a major one) The walls I have put up to ‘protect me’ and here is the major one.  My self-worth and self-image.

You see all of these things are not Godly.  None of them are major in terms of mankind’s opinions or sin but the fact is that God does not go by mankind’s opinion of sin and ALL of them do indeed need addressing and surrendering.  And so that is what I want to and am going to do with the Lord’s help.

Verse six reads, “He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,  the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”

I so desperately want that not for myself but because again, if I delight myself in the Lord and if my hearts desires are for others, then my cause will be for others also.  I pray and desire to be a beacon a witness to God for all who know me.

Is it going to happen over night?  No of course not, these things take time and will be a struggle and a battle and I for one am mindful of the spiritual warfare element of life.  BUT it is God’s timing, His struggle and His fight and I have eternal hope in this, and despite the attacks that will inevitably come verse seven gives me the eternal and present hope…

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Fireproof

Well I couldn’t sleep the other night and so I decided to watch a DVD.

I had recently received several new Dvd’s and so chose to watch one of the new Christian Dvd’s that I had, one called Fireproof.

It is a story of a failed marriage – I can certainly relate to that!  Actually I guess to be more accurate it is a story of a failing marriage which is saved by grace and as a result of biblical application.

So I put it on and lay in bed watching it and I have to be honest it reduced me to tears.  Now those of you who know me well will know that I certainly do often cry over sad situations and for other people, I just don’t cry very much for me.

But you know I really can’t in all honesty claim that my tears (which were frequent during the watching of this film) were all for the people in the film or for others.  I have to accept and be willing to acknowledge that some of those tears were indeed for me.

Were they in recognition of or as a result of the loneliness that I sometimes feel?  Certainly this is very possible.  Could it be that a part of them was for the love that I once had and have lost?  Certainly I loved my wife and to lose love is to gain a void.  Am I feeling such sadnesses but supressing them?  Do they only appear at times like these when I watch a poingnant film?  I am not sure.

What I do know is how much I enjoyed the movie and how much I think it will benefit others – especially couples – and it certainly does provide food for thought and prayer.

Boy in a plastic bubble!

Boy in a plastic bubble

Many years ago I saw a film starring a young John Travolta.  Actually it was released in 1976 which woul dhave made John Travolta about 22 I guess.

Basically the story was a true life story about lad named Tod Lubitch who was born with an immune deficiency and as a result could not make physical contact with or interact normally with other people.

The film looked at the way in which this impacted him and the efforts he made to have a “normal” life.

In case you are wondering the picture I have chosen to accompany this post is not actually from the film at all.  I just really liked the picture because it so readily identifies (at least to me) the isolation the boy feels and the sadness that is written all over his face.

Actually the film wasn’t a great film by any stretch of the imagination although I seem to remember it winning a primetime emmy and being nominated for two or three other awards. No it’s impact on me was not because of any great cinematography or acting but because I could so easily empaphise with the main character and not because I shared the same physical illness but because I share the same isolation.

What struck me is how no matter how much you may try, not one of us on this side (the outside) of that plastic bubble knows exactly how it must feel to be trapped on that side (the inside) of that bubble never being able to come out or interact like others do.

See I have a plastic bubble!  It isn’t so much physical as it is mental but it’s resultant isolation is just as deadening and just as disheartening and you know what, when others don’t understand or comprehend how it feels to be trapped this side (trapped inside) of this bubble it makes it all the more poingnant and all the more painful.

Self-Harming and Blogging

You know it is funny really,  I love to read and I love to write and over the past few days I have been doing a lot of both

I have also been doing huge amounts of work on the church website, not least of all in the design and inclusion of a blog for the church.

The reality is that we are all different and that some folk like to write and get involved in blogging whilst others simply like to surf the net without ever thinking of actually contributing to it.  And of course there are those who never really consider the internet.

As for me, well I am one of those who like to write and get involved in blogging.  Whether it be on here, or my perosnal blog, or my art blog, or my poetry blog, or indeed now on the church blog.  The truth is that it helps to keep my mind active and halps me to think.  The mind (or so they tell me) is a muscle and if so the occassional work out can only be good I reckons.

For me personally writing, whether it be the various blogs that I write, the novels, children’s stories, short stories or poetry is very important and is a way that I can communicate some of the things that I think about or things that I feel.  Either way it really helps me and in truth I have noticed that my self-harming has reduced since I have started blogging.

See I think that is part of self-harm isn’t it?  Getting the inside stuff outside.

So I encourage you.  If you self-harm and want a better way to go, try blogging.  Just be careful what you put out there.  Remember the  idea is to reduce or stop the self-harming, not to go around other people harming

God bless.

Keeping motivated

For some reason my brain keeps going back to the conversation that I had with the consultant at the hospital a few days back and how bad my health really is.

It is so hard when you are faced with a doom and gloom prognosis and I know that this has really impacted me.

I am doing all that I can in order to stay active and motivated despite my health at the moment and am trying to walk as much as I can.

I have walked virtually every day over the past few days and I am hoping that this at least is doing something towards my really poor health and my weight.

I try to fight the fear with rational logical thoughts such as, “hey there are folk much worse off than you and they survive” or “hey you have come this far I am sure you will carry on for years yet” but the niggly voices are at me all the time.

Voices sayhing you aren’t going to last a week or a month or a year. Voices saying,”you won’t see your next birthday” or “you will never meet the people you love the most”

In truth I have a very strong faith and I have no worries about where I am going whe I die.  I will be with my Father in heaven and this will be awesome.  It is the leaving here that worries me and the things I will never get to do.

But then that is the nature of the voices isn’t it?  They hit you where you are most vulnerable and because they are inside you they know just where that is.

But God is bigger than them isn’t He.  God is a loving heavenly Father who desires to be my protector my helper and my Father and I trust in Him.  I keep motivated because I have to but more importantly because to not keep motivated would be to buy into the lie and to deny God my Father.

And so the difficulties keep coming.

You know if anyone ever accused me of being a Christian as a crutch I would laugh in their face.  Well probably not actually laugh in their face but you know what I mean.

I got the good news about the lump in my breast today and then I came home to find out that my electricity bill had arrived and it is higher than I thought it would be.

Then to top that I ran out of oil today which means that I have no heating and we are in the middle of snow storms for the first time since 1982 apparently.

There is no way I can afford to buy fuel and infact I dfidn’t buy the last lot it was a gift well actually a loan.  I am so tired of these difficulties.

I know the Lord is looking after us and I know the bible says that He will not bring anything to you that we cannot handle.  But as Mother Theresa once said, “I just wish He didn’t have so much confidence in me!”

Good News Praise the Lord!

Well I am delighted to be able to say that I went to the doctors today and the diagnosis is that actually it is a bad infection!

I cannot begin to say how relieved I am about this as in all honesty I was kind of worried.

I called my doctor first thing this morning and she fitted me in this afternoon and so I walked to town this afternoon in among all the snow fall.  To be honest I am very keen to work on my weight and so the walk was good, although the specialist at the hospital did tell me to take things very carefully so I probably should have gotten a lift.

Either way I am delighted in the diagnosis and I just hope the meds they have given me will clear it up soon.  I am also very grateful for all the prayer support that I was given.

Asking for prayer support

As a Christian and a member of a local church prayer is very important to me.  In truth I don’t think I pray enough but in the same truth I doubt anyone of us does really.

I went to church this morning and spoke to one or two of the members that I am very close to. I was open and honest about the lump that I found in my left breast and I asked that they support me in prayer.

Tomorrow I need to call my doctor and arrange an appointment.  I am still hoping and praying that it will just be an infection but my mind won’t let me forget the possibility of cancer.

In all honesty I am not sure this is because of my mental health as I think most people would have the same worry.

Ok I detected a lump in my breast.

OK so having had a really bad doctor’s appointment at the Hospital in Dublin on Wednesday things seem to be going from bad to worse.

This having been said I am going to do my best to stay positive.

One of the things that I have always been very keen about is encouraging my kids, both male and female to regularly self examine. It is also something that I have regularly done myself as I think it is very important.

Those of you who have read my last entry will have read how I felt some discomfort actually some really bad pain in and around my nipple. Well on self examining today I found a large lump behind my nipple on my left breast.

Given my general state of health this is a very worrying sign and I am not at all happy about having found it although having done so I can at least get it checked out as soon as possible which is at least something.

Looking on the bright side, I am convinced it is probably going to be an infection and in fact the occurrences of breast cancer in males is far far less common than in women and from what I can gather.  Also it could just be a condition called gynaecomastia which rarely develops into breast cancer and as I said I am pretty sure it is only an infection.

Either way I have come to the following conclusion. Whilst I am sure it is an infection if it is not then I am not going to hide this or be embarrassed about it. The truth is that male breast cancer is a possibility and too many people are unaware of that possibility and those who have it, from what I can tell, are too embarrassed to talk about it. IF the worst comes to the worst and it is cancer I am not going to be one of those people. If it is breast cancer then I will face it and I will beat it and I will try to be real and honest and open about how I am feeling and I will do my best to praise God all the way through it no matter what it may bring.

With this in mind I told my parents about it tonight and they were very supportive and as they are Christian like me they are going to pray for me. Which I really appreciate. Tomorrow is Sunday and so I will be making an appointment on Monday to see my doctor.

To be expected I guess.

Had a very rough night again last night which was not good. Today I feel like I am just going through the motions of staying awake whilst not really being fully awake.

I spoke to the family last night which was good but didn’t really fess up to how sick I am feeling at the moment. Actually I am not really telling anyone how sick I am feeling right now.

I managed to get to prayer meeting yesterday morning and then went into town to pay some bills. Mags gave me a lift into town and then home and we have a coffee together and chatted a little while before she left to go do some things and pick up a parcel from the post office for me.

After Mags had brought the parcel back I went to bed for a bit. I am so very depressed by having to go to bed in the afternoons. When we moved into this new house I didn’t have to sleep during the day and really thought that this was progress. But it only lasted until last week and then I had to give in a go to sleep in the afternoons as I just wasn’t able to last the day.

Matthew was at the Waterford Crystal plant last night which really concerned me but what is even more concerning is the fact that whenever I eat something it goes right through me and I feel so very fatigued.

Additional to all this I have some sort of pain in my left nipple which I am worried about. I really hate the way my body just can’t cope with my illness and what with infections, boils and pains I get a little frustrated.

This pain inside my nipple is excruciatingly painful and sends sharp pains down my chest and also down into my side. But given what the doctor said about my body not being able to cope with my health and weight it is only to be expected I guess.

Very worried but with Hope still

OK a very tough day today and one that really has frightened me a lot.

I had an appointment at St. Vincent’s University Hospital in Dublin and it went really badly. Not because I wasn’t treated very well because I was and they were all very nice and very caring. The problem is that my health is seriously deteriorating and the consultant just gave me the facts with no frills or drama. Just plain old honest truth gently put but still devastating really.

Basically my body is just not coping with everything that is going on and my tests results for today showed a drastic drop in health and so he is very worried. What he said was that he was totally amazed that I wasn’t already dead or at best hadn’t had a major coronary by now. My weight is now 173.1kg (380.82lbs or 27 stone) and my blood pressure is 163/90 which is not good for anyone and especially not good for a diabetic. My blood sats ( which show the oxygen in my blood) are also very low despite the Cpap machine and my cpap machine readouts weren’t good either.

We spoke about what can be done about this and what medication I was already on and basically we decided that the only room for extra effort is in respect of my weight and so I have agreed to being referred to a special obesity clinic also in Dublin. In truth going to Dublin for hospital appointments is a real pain but I can’t play around with this anymore and have to do something fairly drastic.

How do you even respond to news like this? I am only 47 and whilst I freely admit that I have suicidal tendencies and sometimes want to stop living, the truth is that I kind of want a say in that decision and don’t want it to all just end because my body finally gave up which the doctor says it has already started doing

I want to be clear about this here. I am a Christian and I have total confidence in where I will go after my leaving this earth but I am still scared of how I will leave this earth and when and I do not want to leave all the folk I really love.

I am going to really put my effort into beating this thing and I thank the Lord that I am not already dead and for keeping me safe. It does explain all of my fatigue especially of late but I am a child of God and God is soooooo much bigger than this and even bigger than me.

That is the truth that I need to hold onto. I have a loving heavenly Father, I have the Holy Spirit and I have a personal relationship with Christ and I have a loving and supportive Church and a wonderful, loving, caring and supportive family given by God.

Even more fatigued!

Well this is certainly not good at all!

Another confrontation yesterday. No one was at fault although if anyone was it was me as when I realized someone was being confrontational to others I stepped in and made them focus all that anger and pain on me.

It was not pleasant and I am sure a lot of people were saddened by it and to be honest I really wasn’t strong enough to get involved but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Especially if it is for someone you love dearly and really care about.

Fortunately this all happened on the phone and not on cam or I think one of the parents would have stepped in and stopped it. One of the siblings tried to protect me which I was very touched by but I don’t think he knew that I was deliberately trying to get the focus of all the anger and pain on me.

The long and the short of it all is that I think (I hope and pray) that it will be the start of the healing and so it was worth it.

But the end result for me personally is that I am just a wreck today and can hardly move. Because of this I am going to try to take it fairly easy today and to just do a few things on the computer.

So Desperately Tired Again

Sunday morning and I got up feeling reasonably ok but certain that something was wrong.

I have developed or rather grown into a new routine which is that every morning I get up wash dress and then go put my phone on charge (it’s cordless) and then I go into the kitchen make a cappuccino and then take the dog out in the garden whilst I have a smoke.

When moving into the new house we decided to make it a no smoking house and this way it cuts down how much I smoke and keeps it much fresher and nicer for any guests that come round.

There was men’s prayer breakfast this morning and I actually went to it but then just towards the end it hit me again and all of my energy just immediately drained out of my body and I became so desperately tired again.

I can’t begin to explain this feeling or even how much of an affect it has on me. It is such a debilitating thing and really frustrates me as I know that the whole day is going to be difficult and that all of the things that I wanted to do today I will not be able to get done.

In truth I know that the confrontations that I had yesterday really wiped me out. They always do and they impact me so heavily both mentally and physically. But if it means that I can bring about some healing I would go gladly go through it every day.

I am trying so very hard not to let this get my mental health down but it is so hard. I am walking around like a zombie and I really dislike that. The slightest movement is a complete effort and takes so much out of me. I am faced with a choice here. Get into bed and stay there or simply press through the pain and fatigue.

In truth I do not understand why I am like this or why it has not been healed or taken from me but you know the other side of it all is that I know that God is a good and loving God and that He has a purpose for all things and will make good to come out of everything.

I need to pray and to stay fairly positive and not let the negativity overwhelm me.

Dealing With Sadness

Sadness can come in many forms in this life and having a faith doesn’t remove the possibility of suffering sadnesses, in fact it can increase it as your faith can certainly not only make you more sensitive or at least aware of things that you might not have been concerned about before or indeed open you up to far more things to be sensitive about.

For me personally one of the ways in which this has manifested itself is in my passions and compassions.

Just lately I have been extremely impacted by the way in which God appeared to have been represented within certain relationships.  Please do not get me wrong here, I am in no way seeking to imply that there was anything wrong with those relationships just that those relationships appeared to have been representing Christ in a way that I cannot understand or agree with.

When things like this happen and my heart gets impacted to such a degree I need to pray and so that is what I do but this time instead of just praying and leaving the matter well alone until I had prayed I responded and did so with passion but little compassion.

And so in my prayers what came to me was not confirmation of my feelings, encouragement to fight the cause or even a sense of peace over the matter.  No instead I was convicted of how little compassion and love I had demonstrated as a result of letting my passion run away with me.

I guess because of my own childhood and upbringing and because of the work that I did for so long when I was well the way in which people appeared to be treated and the way in which others so seemingly easily accepted this treatment really hit a nerve.  Even so I was wrong and I was left with no other leading than to apologize for my letting my passions run away with me.

In truth apologizing at anytime can be difficult and indeed apologizing when you are convinced that you were at least in part in the right even harder.  But I love my Father in heaven and I want so much to please Him and to be obedient to His leading and so I have made th apologies that I needed to make.

As for the rest, the initial concerns and passions, well they remain but instead of controlling me they simply motivate me.  It is my sincere hope and prayer that my apology will go some way to alleviating or repairing any offense I may have caused, and yet even more than this I hope and pray that God’s will and His nature will win through in all this.  Not only in the way I respond to these things but also to how my responses are accepted or received.

So in short I got busted and received admonishment for my behavior. But you know this is ok as it is good for growth.

Can God Really Use Me?

I wouldn’t mind guessing that this is a question that many folk have asked over the years especially those of us who suffer from mental health related difficulties or mental illness itself.

You know I really don’t like this whole positive spin doctor based termanology that says we have to refer to mental illness under the terminology of mental health.  It just seems to be such a lie to me.  But that is I accept probably more of a comment about me and where I am than it is about the labelling itself.

Anyway, back to my original question, “Can God really use me?”  It is a question that has kind of been plaging me lately.  See I used to be very involved within my church and then something happened and it all went belly up as they say.  In truth I felt betrayed, used, disrespected, un-valued, hurt and several other things besides.

Several conversations followed and whilst there were indeed efforts towards an apology in amongst the conversations, maybe even several apologies there was also the  ultimate statement, “I realized that I had gotten it all wrong and that I was asking more of you than you were able to cope with.”

Perhaps it is the mental illness or perhaps it is pride or perhaps it is the enemy attacking and getting in here but I can’t shake the feeling of being perceived as being somehow inadequate or damaged or substandard in all this.

I have prayed over it several times, actually lots of times, and I keep comoing back to the result that actually I had every right to react the way I did and to experience all those things that I listed earlier and I keep coming back to the fact that the perception that “I was unable to cope” is actually a cop out from accepting that actually mistakes may well have been made on both parts.  But again I accept that this could all be down to my own corrupted perception of things.

And there we have it don’t we.  The self doubt has crept in.  See I know that I suffer from mental illness and I know that my perception  of things may therefore be somewhat out of kilter at times.  So who can I trust?

I can’t trust me obviously.  I can’t trust those around me because even if they tell me the truth heck my preception will probably just screw up what they are saying to me.  I can’t even trust God, well I can but I can’t trust me that I will hear God right and anyway at the moment I can’t even feel God.  I can’t hear Him or sense Him or anything Him really.

(In case there are any shrinks out there wanting to section me for hearing God, get over it some people do actually have a relationship with God and anyway God is not one of the voices I am hearing at the moment thanks.)

The truth is that God actually hasn’t gone anywhere, I am pretty sure He isn’t sick or on holiday and I am fairly sure His communication system isn’t down for maintenance.  Nope the problem has to be in me and with me and I accept and realize that but I have to tell you that it is the loneliest place on earth not being able to see or hear or sense or know or feel or reach God.

So very, very, desperately  lonely.

But does that make me un-usable or worthless to God.  With every fibre of my being I scream out NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God doesn’t have a problem using you just because you have mental health, MAN DOES!

The only problem is that all too often God doesn’t run the church man does.

Fighting the Urges to self-harm

It is one of those nights again.  In fact it has been one of those days.

The urge to self harm is very strong in me tonight and I am not sure why this is.

I am not sure how you feel reading this and I really wish to cause no one any offence or concern and to be totally honest I am confident that I can resist the urge but it has got me thinking about how people respond to folk like me who do self harm.

Over the years I have received many varied reactions to the news that I have either self-harmed, am thinking of doing it again or that I have a history of it.

These reactions vary from care and concern to pity and all the way through not understanding to outright judgementalism.  So much so I was thinking of getting a t-shirt made that read as follows…

self harming tshirt one

One response that did get me thinking is the question, “And where is your faith when all this is going on in your head?”  It is an interesting question isn’t it and I could ask “and where is your faith when you are swearing at the telephone bill or the driver in front of you who cut you up?”

The truth is that at the moment when I am really suffering these urges my focus tends to be drawn solely on the urges and I seem to lose sight of God.

I am sure that God is there, 100% sure that God is there, the trouble is that I am not focussing on Him.  Likewise I am 100% sure that He is there whe n you are mad at the driver who cut you up and likewise I am sure you aren’t focussing on Him.

Today I have been feeling extremely distant from God which is by no means a good state of affairs and has probably got a lot to do with why I am feeling the way I am feeling at this moment in time.

In terms of avoidance techniques or urge management I have tried the rubber/elastic band around the wrist and the chewing on an ice cube, holding it in my hand and then letting it melt and then using warm water, deep breathing and safe place visualization techniques and I have also tried the playing with a red marker and the pressing on a tack/drawing pin techniques and certainly these work to varying degrees at different times.

They are not full proof however and I am aware of that and I am aware that they may not be able to help tonight.  In truth I could probably phone my Pastor but today is Saturday and he has t preach tomorrow.  I could tell my family but it is my son Chris’s birthday party tonight and I don’t want to take away from that.

Prayer would no doubt help except that I am feeling so very distant from God and my voices keep telling me that God ain’t listening.  For the record I shall pray anyway.

I never want to displease God or upset or hurt Him and I can only imagine that it does hurt Him when I or any of His children hurt themselves.

I have decided that I need to go to bed before the urges completely take over and so that I can pray and be alone and so that i don’t accidentally concern my family on this night.

But before I go let me invite you to pray and let me ask you where you stand with God?  And having started with a t-shirt let me finish with one.

God Bless.

self harming t-shirt 2

Poor Mental Health – An excuse for bad behavior.

Did you look at it and think it’s probably going to be an article from a guy (or gal) with mental health problems who was trying to explain why he (or she) acts the way he (or she) does? Or someone spouting off about how mental health is often used by folk to excuse their actions?

Well sorry, that is not the idea behind this article.  Yes I have poor mental health but the bad behavior I am referring to actually isn’t mine it is yours and not mine!

See sometimes I like to write controversial or thought provoking titles and then add a twist.  Certainly I chose this particular title because I hope that it is both controversial and thought provoking but I also chose it because it probably would make you think what I mentioned earlier.

You see many moons ago my wife and I worked with single parent families, homeless teens and mental health clients.  Each client group brought different challenges, opportunities and rewards and so too did each different client for that matter.

In respect of the actual work we did it varied from client to client and whilst we certainly tried to respond to each individual client’s needs there were certainly shared or common needs.  For our mental health clients one such common need was that when they went to the hospital a member of staff usually had to go with them and because of this I became fairly well known at the local hospital, certainly more well known than my wife who would visit their much less than I would.

One afternoon whilst sat having a staff meeting in the garden my wife lifted a can of soda to drink it and was unaware of a wasp that had gotten into the can.  The wasp stung her on the lip and since she is allergic to wasp stings, her lips and jaw ballooned up and she had to be rushed to the hospital unable to speak and with difficulties breathing.

At the hospital she was treated and we sat waiting for the doctor to come and give us the all clear for her to go home.  He did so, saying that the swelling should soon go down with mends and that once the nurse had brought some meds for us to take with us we could leave.

A few minutes later a nurse dutily arrived with the meds. Actually it was a nurse who knew me and of my work with mental health clients but who had obviously not met my wife who could still not speak.  Showing me the meds she totally ignored my wife and spoke to me directly telling me when to administer the meds etc.  She then turned to my wife looked at her smiled very sweetly and in a loud voice and the sought of tone that you might possibly need to use with a five year old child who had comprehension and hearing problems, she said, “I will give these to the nice man,  (pointing at me) he will look after you and you will be alright, ok?”

It was obvious.  She had assumed that my wife was one of my mental health clients and so treated her as such.

Now whilst that may have been slightly amusing to me at the time, (well the look on my wife’s face was) and an interesting story to share at the next staff meeting, it does illustrate how people react to mental health.

Bad reactions to folk with poor mental health manifest themselves in many different ways and to many different degrees.   Some folk seems to simply put all behavior down to the fact that the person concerned has poor mental health whilst others treat people with poor mental health as lepers.

Additionally very often people who have done something wrong will ignore their own responsibilities in causing distress or anger or hurt in the person suffering from poor mental health and simply apportion everything to the mental health itself.

What we need to understand is that there are many, many different types of mental health and many, many different degrees of mental health.  Because of this mental health manifests itself in many different ways and a person can be the most brilliant and lucid of people and still have major mental health problems.

Likewise someone can be the funniest of people and still suffer from extreme depression.  In fact some of the most famous of entertainers and comedians have secretly suffered from severe depression and other mental health related illnesses choosing not to be too open about this because it would change people’s perception of them and how they were treated. ( A response I can very much understand)

Personally speaking I spent the best part of my life hiding my mental health from virtually everyone.  As a child I was indeed sent to psychiatrists and indeed my family often discussed my behavior and mental health not really knowing how to deal with it.  I did, it should be mentioned, grow up in a time when there was still a much larger stigma attached to mental health than there is today (and yes there is still a stigma attached to it today).

Eventually, when I was much older,  I could hide it no more and I ended up having a complete mental and physical breakdown and so the cat was out of the bag so to speak and you know I can honestly say that once my mental health was public knowledge I could physically see the changes in people’s perception of and their interaction with me.

Even now, many years on from my breakdown, when I react to something someone does that upsets me,  I can see people simply putting it down to my mental health and not even considering that actually I may have had a right to react to what they did and that actually they did behave badly or mess up.

Don’t get me wrong here, I openly and freely accept that the way in which I react to something and indeed the fact that I even reacted to that something may at times be resultant from or influenced to one degree or another by my mental health, BUT that does not mean that what was done to cause my reaction was acceptable or excusable by my mental health.

You see there is a conflict here isn’t there.  As a sufferer of poor mental health I want so very much, I yearn, to live as and be treated as normally as possible.  Within that desire is the wish to be treated the same way that someone without mental health would be treated and yet at the same time I understand and accept that the fact that I do have mental health issues means that I cannot always be treated that way and that both you and I have to accept the effects of my mental health.

So let us come from this a different way for a moment or two.  If you had a friend or a loved one who had a severe headache how would you act around them?  Would you speak very loudly, play loud music, crash about making lots of noise?  Hopefully not.  Hopefully you would soften your voice, play your music quietly and try to be sensitive to their needs, avoid the things that would cause them distress or aggravate their condition, and hopefully you would make allowances if they react badly to something that you did unintentionally which did aggravate them or cause them suffering.

So let me ask you this, “Does the fact that their condition is physical make it any the more acceptable or important or understandable or relevant than mine which is mental?

In truth, poor mental health can sometimes cause the sufferer to perceive, comprehend, react or behave differently to folk with good mental health,  doing so to varying degrees and in varying ways.  But this does not and should not excuse or remove your responsibility of care and concern and respect and courtesy for the sufferer of poor mental health it actually increases it!

So I ask you.  If you have someone in your life who suffers from poor mental health or any mental health related issue and you do something that seems to hurt or annoy or distress or upset them, please consider your own actions first and please try to see and accept and indeed admit that what you did could have caused that reaction and please try to address the action and the effect not just write everything off to that person’s mental health.

Because I have to tell you as someone who does indeed suffer from poor mental health, it really saddens and hurts me when folk who I love and care about fail to recognize and accept their own responsibility and instead use my mental health as an excuse for their bad behavior.

God Bless.

Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.

I am not sure if you are familiar with the  title I have chosen for this post.  In fact they are a quote from the author and poet Iara Gassen.  The reason I have chosen them as the title of this post is because they so readily capture the thing that is on my heart and mind so much at the moment.

See one of the things that I have noticed with some folk who suffer mental health and indeed with myself for that matter is that very often the things that we are thinking simply just unintentionally come out of our mouths.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am more than aware that this sometimes happens to folk who don’t have or are not diagnosed with any mental health problems but it does seem that can be a commonality in this regard with mental health.

I can’t help thinking of some computer programs and especially windows vista at this time where whenever you go to do something a new window automatically appears that basically says, “do you really mean to do that?”.

I think for many of us who suffer from mental health issues it is as if that automatic warning or clarification or filtration window has been deactivated.  And when we think something instead of a warning screen automatically appearing in our mind saying “Whatever you do don’t say that out loud!” no such warning message appears and so we just blurt out what we have thought.

I am reminded of someone I know who when listening to someone speak will often make a critical or derogatory comment and then suddenly realize he has done so and so will look all embarrassed at the person and say, ” Oh I am so sorry, I said that out loud didn’t I?”

Like wise I know someone else who will often say the most inappropriate things to people because it seems that the automatic filtration system that many of us have in our heads and that stop us saying the wrong things to the wrong people or at the wrong time simply doesn’t work in his head.

I thank the Lord that my problem is neither of those last two examples although I must admit that there probably has been at least one occasion when I have slipped up in those ways but then again I think most of us probably have once or twice.

No the problem that I am experiencing at the moment, well one of the problems that I am experiencing at the moment and have been for some time now is that I am just not sure that the words and statements that I formulate in my mind actually come out of my mouth the way I intend them to!

Again please don’t get me wrong here.  I am not saying that the words get all jumbled up somewhere between my mind and my mouth, although yes that has happened too, no what I mean is that it seems that sometimes, (quite a bit actually) I make statements or say things that aren’t rude or disrespectful or nasty or inappropriate in any way and yet are taken to be harsh or disrespectful but some people I talk to.

Most of the time, or so it seems, it happens when I am talking to my family.  Not my biological family, for we are not that close and hardly ever seem to talk, but with the family that I fully believe that God gave me.

I will say something and it will be taken completely differently to how I intended it or thought I was saying it.  Sometimes it is a misunderstanding about what I am saying and sometimes it is a misunderstanding about how I am saying it.  Additionally, very often, I will be asked if I am ‘in a bad mood’ when I am not and I can’t understand why I am even being asked if I am.

And this all causes great problems for me both i my relationships with others but also within my own mind.  I struggle so very much with this.  I sit there questioning if my own perception or understanding of myself and my statements and my communication, indeed my interaction with people  is somehow all screwed up?

I can’t help it.  I just plunge into this whole quagmire of self-doubt and self-question.  I get washed away in a flood of reanalyzing every last little disagreement I have ever had.  “Was it me?  Did I get it all wrong?”  I ask myself uncontrollably.  “When I was upset with so and so for what they had done, did I screw up in my understanding of what it was they did?”  “Have I totally messed up, corrupted, twisted and perverted what actually happened to me in my childhood?”  “Did I deserve all the beatings and rejection and ridicule that I suffered as a boy?”  “HECK  did I create or cause my being treated that way?”

The flood of questioning and self-doubt it endless and relentless and I end up drowning and going under until something in my brain pulls the plug out and I get sucked into the darkness and the world of self-hatred, self-loathing, self-blame and self-harming.

Voices of Glass

A deep, dark, damp cellar exists beyond your reach.

In the middle of this deep, dark. damp cellar sits an old rough wooden high backed chair.

On the chair, bound and gagged, sits a small frightened boy.  He is cold and shivering, naked, and blindfolded.

In the deep, damp, all consuming darkness he sees nothing and yet all too well he knows those piercing bloody eyes look upon him and within him.

All around him sinister voices call out to him.  Voices that call out to him with jeers and accusations.  Call out to him with lies and humiliations.  Call out to him with hatred and degradation. Voices that cut into his very soul like shards of glass.

Too afraid to call back, too tired to struggle, too lost to reason, he sits there frightened, cold, shivering and naked.

His skin scarred by the cuts he places upon himself in order to feel.  His heart scarred by the cuts of the sinister voices that shatter the silence of his solitude.

This was a true story.  This was my story.  Or should I more honestly say this IS a true story. this is my story.

You see in reality, at least the reality that you and I share, I am no longer that small frightened boy for I have grown now.  Now I am a father and a man.

And yet what of the reality that you and I do NOT share?  What of the reality that is my mental illness?

The cellar – that deep, dark, damp cellar – is my mind.

The darkness – that deep, damp, all consuming darkness – is my mental illness.

The small boy – that small, naked, cold, frightened, shivering, boy – is the me who never truly had the freedom to grow as he was meant to be.

The eyes – those sinister, bloody piercing eyes, – are the eyes of those who hurt and damaged and misunderstood, mislabeled, mistreated, and rejected the child I was.

The voices – those jeering, accusing, lying, humiliating, hating and degrading voices of glass that cut deep into me – my paranoid schizophrenia.

The scars – those deep, aching, searing, reminding, punishing, and yet releasing scars – on the canvass that is my skin well they come and they go, they fade and are renewed, but on my heart they burn relentless.

No this may not be a reality that you and I share, or even one you could possibly begin to understand or comprehend, unless I dare to let you see it sometimes, but it is still a reality, my reality.

No, I am no longer that small frightened boy for yes I have grown now.  Now I am a father and a man.  But do not pressume that this reality that you and I do not share no longer exists.  For exist it does within my nightmares and my fears and yes even within the places I go to when that darkness finds me in my days, consuming me drawing me back to that place where I never should have been and never want to go.

And yet a place that I so desperately need to understand if I am ever going to conquer and escape it for ever.

This blog – this place of desired openness and freedom – is but a journal written in the reality you and I share of the journey that I hope to make in conquering the reality that you and I can never truly share.

And what of Christ?

Doe He truly belong in this reality that you and I share can He even enter the reality that you and I can never truly share?

Yes He does and yes He can and yes He did.  For without Him that reality would be dead, dead like the small child it grew within.  And I am convinced that without him there will be no conquering, no light and no freedom.

Ransom Note

So there you have it.  An introduction into my reality and an introduction to why this blog and what I hope tyo acheive from it.

You are welcome to come along for the ride, part of it or indeed all of it, well that which I am willing or able to share with you.  You are even welcome to contribute and comment.

All I ask is that you take care in your participation.  Care not only for me, and indeed that small boy whom you have already met at least in part, but also for yourself.  I will value your contributions if I am able to receive them as loving, caring, constructive, comments and contributions and will publish them.  If however I am not able to receive them as such, I will not publish or share them and they will simply be rejected – probably only finding their voice within the darkness we have already spoken of.